Old age

My biggest fear is not dying but of old age. I know many believe aging is wonderful, they make up these adages like "growing old gracefully" etc. But I fear losing myself. Alzheimer's runs in my family...I have a grandmother right now who is suffering from this, and it breaks my heart because this is a woman I looked up to for how tough she was, for how strong and determined she was to live life on her own terms. I remember conversations with her, I remember I never saw her clean because she was up at like 5am so her house was always spotless, smelling of delicious Puerto Rican food already for diner time, I remember the conversations she had with her friends in the building, I heard stories of her while my dad was a kid, and I see her now, and she can barely remember her children. I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of not being able to move as fast, afraid of hurting myself by accident, afraid of being forgotten, afraid of losing the respect I have from others.

This woman here was at a restaurant I was at the other day and you wouldn't know it but her family was on the bench next to her. Not paying her any mind, so she sat there alone, and my heart went out to her. I wanted to yell at them "HELLO, talk to her". I would have loved to engage her in conversation and ask her about her past, where she grew up, what's the one thing she misses from those simpler times? Where she was during specific times in history, all the things I didn't get to ask my Abuela that I regret now, but I was too young to care before. I hate that we take it for granted. That as kids we have no idea what life means. I refuse to go out like that.